Believe it or not. I suffered a lot from self-pity, but I didn’t really understand what it did to me.
It took me too long to admit to myself, that it was doing me more harm than good. How could that be?
“Sadness for yourself because you think you have a lot of problems or have suffered a lot.” – Cambridge Dictionary
Let me briefly explain. I used to feel sorry for myself. I used to feel my life had been harder than others. I used to feel I was unlucky and life was not fair.
It often made me feel sad. Then what happened? Comfort. I needed to comfort myself. It made me do some wrong choices to comfort myself.
What I didn’t think about was how this affected me?
Well, comfort somehow acknowledges my self-pity and basically makes it worse.
That is actually not the worst problem. Self-pity leads to more self-pity. No, that is not the worst problem. This is actually the law of attraction, what you focus on grows. You focus on self-pity, it will grow more self-pity.
The truth is, that self-pity is your worst enemy. It is your worst enemy for one reason only.
Self-pity is an excuse not to do anything about the situation.
Think about it.
I used to think that life was unfair and others who succeeded in life were born lucky. Hence, I couldn’t do anything about it. Life had just dealt me poor cards.
I used to think that my problems were harder that other people’s problems. Hence, I there were no chance to solve them. Life was just harder on me.
I used to think that my start in life was worse than others. Hence, they succeeded because they had an unfair advantage in their life. Life was just putting pain on me.
You see where this is getting?
Well, it is time to do something about that self-pity.
1. Realise you need to change something to get new outcomes
Simply said. If you continue to do the same things over and over, can you expect a new outcome?
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” – Albert Einstein
If you do the same thing to deal with your self-pity you’ve done for the last decade, it is time to realise you need to change something radically.
This is the premises for eliminating your self-pity from your life? Are you actually ready to say goodbye to your old friend? That is self-pity I am talking about.
To be honest. It is not that easy. I know I used to feel comfort in self-pity. Or did I? Well, I used to allow myself to comfort myself, when I felt self-pity.
I wish I would have realised this earlier. You need to change something.
2. Take control over the situation
This sounds like the same thing, right?
But no. This deals with you realising that you need to take control. No one else can take your old best friend, self-pity, away from you, but you!
This is crucial to understand. If you decide to keep self-pity as your old friend, then it will never disappear. It will stay with you until you decide to take parts.
Nothing I say, can make it go away, if you wish it to stay.
I know, you might be thinking, that all you’ve wanted for the last 10 years is to not feel self-pity, and still you do feel self-pity. How can that be.
“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” – Carol Burnett
The truth is uncomfortable. I used to think the same. But I was lying to myself. I wasn’t honest. Actually, I did like the comfort I allowed to give to myself, when I felt self-pity.
3. Don’t drink to forget your troubles
Change often focuses on what to do. But change is often more effective when focusing on what to stop doing.
The result of all your behaviours today is the result in self-pity. Sometimes it is not enough to add some positive habits. You need to remove some destroying habits. Read more about it on this post.
I remember the comfort alcohol gave me when I felt self-pity. It made all my troubles disappear.
Oh, the joy I could feel when feeling the alcohol slowly taking control of my body. It not only made my troubles and self-pity disappear. It gave me self-confidence. It gave joy. It made me alive.
Something I never felt while being sober. Something I was longing after when I was sober.
This is the downward spiral.
I soon was drinking every day after work.
And that is the sure way to rock bottom society with no prospect to become anything in the long run.
And on top of that. Often, I couldn’t control my alcohol level so good. Then I would wake up and be worried about what happened last night. Feel guilty, feel embarrassed. Feel self-pity.
No worries. There is more alcohol to solve that problem.
I never did drugs, but I guess it is the same downward spiral.
And you see. This behaviour does not help you eliminate your self-pity. It makes it worse.
So be cautious about alcohol. If your life is all about alcohol. It is time to make a radical change.
4. Don’t eat to comfort yourself
Oh, had a hard day?
No worries, get something nice to eat, some cake, some candy, some sweet, something you deserve.
How is that eating makes us happy? Well, it does while we’re doing it. That is why we continue.
If eating was curing your self-pity and unhappiness, well, it is a mystery why we never stop doing it.
Well, the brain loves short-term gratification over long-term gratification. Eating gives you a short-term gratification.
Long-term gratification only comes from dealing with the actual problem. Not short-term relieve the symptoms with eating.
I was doing this myself. And the result was not something that made me more happy. It made me feel more self-pity.
5. Don’t distract yourself
This one is big. And you know it.
How often do you find yourself watching a full season of something that is not going to change your life on Netflix. How often do you find yourself, “let me just check Facebook”, then 2 hours left you scrolling down the endless stream of things that really isn’t making you happy. How often do you let yourself distract from your actual problems?
I’ve done this.
But why do we do it?
Are we curious? Of course, these social media apps spends big investments in making you addicted to it. They are designed with the same addictive algorithms as the slot machines in Vegas.
Yeah, but I’m not addicted to slot machines, you might object.
No, but you are addicted to your social media.
The same for Netflix, YouTube, basically anything that can make you hypnotised for hours without getting anything useful done.
Yes, you know. It is not changing anything in your life watching some useful series on Netflix about how to solve crimes or whatever it is you do.
It only does one thing for you.
It distracts you from your self-pity, and sometimes even not.
6. Catch yourself when doing wrong
Can you really reprogram yourself?
I was wondering about the same. I was suffering a lot from self-pity and I knew it wasn’t doing me anything good. But what to do?
When you realise you are starting to feel self-pity. Stop you thoughts. Reprogram yourself. Repeat it until you feel better.
It’s no easy task, and what do I mean by reprogramming yourself.
Say, you’re just gave up your education. Say, you quit it. You stop studying. You feel it is too hard for you. You are just not able of finishing it. You also had a harder life. Others were just born lucky under better circumstances.
Then stop your thoughts.
Time to reprogram.
You could repeat “Quitting is not an option!” over and over again.
This should reprogram you to focus on, even though you think finishing the education, you will do it.
Next time. Stop, reprogram, repeat.
Do that until you finish your education or whatever it is you feel self-pity about.
7. Be grateful for the small things
If you really want to start a habit that will change your mindset, then this is the one.
Start everyday by being grateful for the small things. Make it a habit to give yourself 15 minutes, to find things you are grateful for and write them down.
It doesn’t have to be big things. Be thankful for the flower in your window. Be thankful for having breakfast in the morning. Be thankful for your feet caring your weight. Be thankful the fresh water from you shower, which cleanses your body.
When your mind starts focusing on small things you are grateful for, then your world will start to turn into a beautiful place.
If you need inspiration, then I can recommend to read The Magic by Rhonda Byrne.